Life has a funny way of tearing you apart limb by limb only to somehow slap you back together newer and shinier than ever before. “Trust the process” they say.
Most of my free time is spent thinking and planning and scheming on how I can do better, be better and keep growing. That’s probably true for most everybody. But in the past couple of years I found myself in a stagnant life drought so severe that I was nearly ready to set my whole world on fire, sit back, and toast a marshmallow on it. Big dreams feel truly impossible when every dream door you try to open has a little sign that says “no Chelsea’s” on it.
I wasn’t trusting the process, and what I’m learning is that the heaviest ingredient in the process formula is time.
A little over a month ago I was hired on as a tanker pilot, the dream I’d been working on since I was in my 20’s. The dream I sold everything I owned for and spent every dime I had for years on. This is, and has always been, it. My soul feels so much lighter and I just feel like I’m finally free. The big mountain I’ve been climbing has been summited; I’m at the top. I can finally eat my sandwich, and enjoy it too. But I need to say this: I know I had it good. I’m ashamed of myself for being so eager to move up and move on that I became blind to the joy that being an Air Attack pilot brought me. I made so many best friends and got paid really good to fly around single-pilot, all day, with those friends, witnessing nature in a severe and beautiful way. I had a great time and will always treasure those memories. I even wrote a dorky poem which I titled “The Other Fire”, but I am too embarrassed to share the whole thing, so I’ll just share the final stanza:
“For every path worth walking asks
A quiet courage at the bend:
To thank the road that made your stride,
And trust the next one as a friend.”
And now I’ve reached “the other fire” and the new mountain. My feet are planted at the base of my new personal K2, and I have a years long trek ahead of me. The new airplane/jet/tanker has been a blast to fly, but I haven’t really even scratched the surface of learning and understanding it. Again, the biggest ingredient is time, and if I’m into learning from my past and trusting processes I should know that this is the fun part too.
There’s a peculiar kind of guilt that comes with having too many things you want out of one small life. If I find myself studying pirates, learning three miserable chords on a guitar, reading some soul-crushing novel, or daydreaming about disappearing into the Florida Keys, some ugly little voice in my head starts screaming that I should be studying for work.
THE JET, CHELSEA. THE JET.
Because apparently every hour spent being curious about something that won’t appear on a checkride is an hour squandered in the eyes of whatever deranged mini-chelsea runs the factory inside my head, but I’m working on it.
I’ve never been very good at balance.
I have always had this terrible feeling that I’m running out of time. Maybe because I know that I am. We all are. Life is brutally short, and I wasted enough of mine before I finally figured out where the hell I wanted to go. So now I want everything. I want to learn everything. Fly cool airplanes. Perfect my skills in the art of French cuisine, learn how to cook a hunk of meat without overcooking it. Make music and learn how to sing without offending people with ears. Read everything. Sail to every warm place that has clear turquoise water and dolphins. Make dick shaped art. Know useless facts.
So many big dreams for a gal who can’t stop dreaming.
I’d love some advice or recommendations on where to start with the pirate thing. I recently purchased a book from my favorite internet bookstore *Thriftbooks* titled “The Sea and Civilization: A Maritime History of the World”, which is way too big and heavy to travel with, so it will have to wait til I get home to read into it, which is like, never. I’m also talking with a college admissions counselor about pursuing a degree in Maritime History, but again, if there’s time for a whole ass college degree there is more time to study MD-87s.
I have also signed up as a volunteer for “Save the Manatee” – a Florida based organization that not only advocates for manatees but also rescues and rehabilitates them. I am happy to help in any way that I can.
Busy busy little life.
Can I do it all? I think I can.
⚓︎